The Kroger Labyrinth
Grocery stores regularly rearrange their aisles. They might defend it as an efficiency move, but I suspect that it has more to do with making a longer trek for the customer in order to increase the likelihood of an impulse buy. I understand that, and very often enjoy a good treasure hunt. Maybe it’s the Indiana Jones in me that relishes finding the relish and escaping before the boulder of frustration rolls over me? Finding the Pringles juxtaposed between the canned pineapple and hamburger helper is a small taste of how it must have felt to break the code of the Enigma during World War II. It is a long sought victory that is liberating and allows me to begin work on the next tumbler in the lock. Once my basket is complete, a new… greater challenge awaits just over the horizon.
For many of us, choosing a checkout lane will be the most challenging and consequential decision that we will make on any given day. Some of us do it with little thought and simply commit to the shortest line. Others choose the self checkout with the hopes of avoiding crashing the terminal during a dark roasted peanut butter scan as if you placed zero in the denominator and now Hal refuses to open the pod bay door.
The most skilled of us are able to perform a timely scan of each lane and score a statistical value that incorporates the cashier’s proficiency (facial expression, stiffness in the shoulders, frustrated announcements over the PA, Thelma and Louise at the end of the movie), but most importantly the patrons lined up ahead of us. These people make up the jury that we select for the time draining judgement that precedes our turn on the conveyor belt.
Beware of the checkout shopper. They do their shopping at the checkout lane and often reject powdered doughnuts after they have been scanned. This behavior is repeated throughout all of their items until they edit out about 30% of their original payload. This demands a seal team six skill level of coping skills from the cashier.
However, the worst case scenario is Coupon Karen. She has a book of coupons that is similar in mass to the Bible and she defends each page with similar devotion. The coupons take some time to scan, but the real issue arrives as the verbal tug of war breaks out to help her accept the concept of expiration dates and exclusive coupons from a different store. Her tone is sharp and her retorts are devoid of any logic. She is forever righteous as she demands that the world is flat. Sadly, the best move is to silently declare a code red, remove any of your items from the conveyor, reload your basket, and select another lane.
Finally we come to my latest issue that cannot be solved within the walls of Kroger… aspirin. That’s right… aspirin. I stand dwarfed in the shadow of pain relievers that Kroger has erected. It is an overwhelming array that is reminiscent of stars on a moonless night. My inner treasure hunter comes out to play. For the record, I have a perfect, undefeated record against Waldo as I begin running my algorithm to find aspirin…just plain old aspirin… any brand… Bayer, Kroger, etc. Amazingly, it is not within the hundreds of choices. I do my complete scan again as I am unwilling to accept this new reality. The second scan confirms the horrific truth that has now infiltrated big aspirin. As I begin to take a photograph of the abundance of pure aspirin absence, an employee approaches and asks if she can help. I ask for plain aspirin, and we together audibly document all of the aspirin derivatives and aspirin alloys that bulge within the void of plain aspirin. They are many. They include, but are not limited to… Extra strength, powdered, chewable, low dose in a surprising number of counts, children’s, aspirins with various added ingredients and coatings, aspirins claiming to target back pain (how does aspirin know where it is?), and aspirins with slow release. I have no beef against any of the options, but how can regular aspirin no longer occupy a 3 inch slot within the acre of these options?
So, I am officially the old timer that remembers that I used to be able to purchase regular aspirin in Kroger. As our society evolves away from fewer choices that include chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry, and instead embrace hundreds of choices that omit those originals we are reborn anew with so much more that is also a little bit less.
